No, no, no! This Was All Part of the Plan!

When the Montreal Canadiens released their festive agenda for the upcoming 100th Season, they left a few surprises off the list.

For once, we were told that a player's number would be retired on November 22, but we only found out later that that player would be goaltender Patrick Roy.

We were told the team would don some retro jerseys during the course of the next two seasons, but those sweaters were only unveiled later. 

Well, in that spirit, if there is anything that forms an integral part of Canadiens' history, it's firing coaches. So in order to fully celebrate the complete spectrum of what this team has accomplished over the last century, one could not fathom a complete list of festivities without paying homage to fired coaches and actually firing coach Carbonneau to make it authentic.    

It makes perfect sense.

I can imagine *** Irvin in a tuxedo at centre ice.

"Bob Berry was one of the worst coaches in Canadiens history. While he did take over a team that had aged into the twilight portion of its career, Berry did nothing to design a system to provide the players with a spasm of success. Berry will forever be known as the worst coach to ever take the helm of the Montreal Canadiens. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome the man who was fired in the summer of 1983, BOB BERRY!!!"

The festivities would then move on:

 "Adolphe Lecours was the most insignificant coach in Canadiens' history. He guided the team for one season, in 1910-1911 and took the players to a stellar 8-8 record. Lecours was fired in 1911. His great-grandchildren are here today and we don't even know their names. Give them a warm applause! The Lecours great-grandchildren!"

"Mario Tremblay single-handedly ruined the Montreal Canadiens. The team suffered long after his long-awaited departure. This stubborn once-plumber forward let his ego drive the GREATEST GOALTENDER IN HISTORY out of Montreal for Jocelyn Thibault, Martin Rucincsky and Andrei Kovalenko.  A notorious drunk, Tremblay would often be seen downing gin and tonics behing the bench during playoff games. His firing was seen as one of the proudest achievements in Canadiens' history. Ladies and gentlemen, Mario Tremblay!!!"

"My father *** Irvin Sr. was the meanest son of a bitch I'd ever known. He once tied me up to a tree in the dead of summer and left me there for days without food or water. I'll never forget his word as he walked away from the tree: "Don't you dare call me Dad! It's Sir Sr.! You got that?!" He made my mother cry regularly and rarely came home. When I was 7, he tried to sell me. He also coached the team for 15 years. Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know if he was fired or not, but let's pay tribute to my Dad, *** Irvin Sr."

"And now, for this special season, let's celebrate these dismissals by honoring the firing of Guy Carbonneau. A man of few words, Guy coached the team with more line changes than a Woody Allen script. He managed to alienate every single player on this team by either benching them without notice or explanation, converting them to positions they had never played before, introducing them to bowling, forcing them to sit through entire episodes of Growing Pains, and putting the worst goal scoring combinations on the ice when down a goal with a minute left to play. Ladies and Gentlemen, let's hear it for another fired coach, Guy Carbonneau!"

What a wonderful tribute to this indisputably essential component of Canadiens' history.